Different Families, Different Bodies
by Guy W. Thomas It is difficult for any of us to live an alternative lifestyle. I think its difficult in different ways for each person. For me, the
difficulty is my disability. Because of a neuro-muscular disease I am unable to walk and I use a power wheelchair to get around. My disability causes general muscle weakness but no paralysis. As a disabled man, I suffer
through all the misunderstanding, jumping to conclusion, moralizing that we all do (those of us who take the road less traveled). Additionally, I deal with many physical and attitudinal barriers to finding more love in
my life. Physical barriers are easy to talk about. Mostly because I can point at them and people understand. When I talk about accessibility I am concentrating on wheelchair access (because I use a wheelchair, self
interest is a wonderful thing). The Blind and the Deaf have their difficulties as well. The Blind generally need navigational assistance like Braille/raised letter signs and informational assistance Braille or taped
hand-outs. The Deaf mostly need interpreters (American Sign Language is the most common but some Deaf people need other kinds of interpretation). For wheelchair users, access features are things like: ramps (with a
legal slope of 1 to 20), wide enough doors, lever door handles, lowered counters (as well as lowered tables, sinks, water fountains) etc. A reality of the Bay Area Poly scene is most of the Poly events center around
private homes. Nothing wrong with that, but few homes are wheelchair accessible. In the Bay Area, a venue often used for "alternative sexuality", or "Poly Events", is called Harbin Hot Springs which
is decidedly inaccessible to people who use wheelchairs. Harbin, has some architectural problems for people with disabilities that, I believe, they could solve. They also are in a business that largely caters to folks
who want a nature retreat and they provide it in a very hilly area. The only way they could provide a completely accessible facility would be to knock down the hills (not a desirable or realistic solution). These
issues can be solved if we want to solve them. Just having people consider access issues when locations are picked would help a great deal. Once in awhile having events in wheelchair accessible places instead of
"always" in the same places would help. If people need help to know what accessibility means, its fairly easy to get that information. One way is to ask friends or associates that are disabled. Another way is
to call an Independent Living Center in the area. They exist in every large and some small cities. Here in Berkeley, along with gatherings in private homes, groups meet in restaurants around town, have picnics or other
activities. Sometimes I host events to guarantee my ability to attend. Given a willingness to solve the problem there are solutions. I am less able to cope with the attitudinal barriers that seem to exist even in a
community that prides itself on being open and loving. I have always had trouble meeting potential sexual partners. Before I met my SO I had many unfortunate events occur in my dating life. The first woman I dated
eventually told me she began going out with me because she considered me safe. She was recovering from a disastrous relationship with a man who left her pregnant. She had had an abortion and didn't want to deal with any
sexual overtures. She felt, because I was disabled, "I could be trusted" not to make a sexual advance. In college, I dated rarely. One woman, who I asked out for dinner and a movie, brought her boyfriend. Had
this been an up front Poly meeting, I'd have been fine, but it was clear to me my "date" didn't regard me as an interested male. As with all relationships, a relationship with me would have unique
challenges, but I would like to think it would have unique joys. I've had monogamous friends accuse my polyamory as being all about sex. I have always responded with the argument that in monogamous relationships the
only activities universally proscribed are sexual activities. Monogamous people can do just about anything they want to do with other partners except have sex. These are the folks fixated on sex. I feel a little like
that. The hardest thing I have to deal with as a disabled man is how hard it is to have any spontaneity. If I want to do something as simple as hug someone. I need to announce it and get a considerable amount of
cooperation from the hugie. Now I have mostly dealt with these difficulties but in a potential sexual situation the embarrassment stakes go way up. I have no subtle moves (like an arm over the shoulder in a movie or
just choosing to sit on the couch next to someone I like) that show my interest without offering myself up to open rejection. That rejection starts to eat at the core of my masculinity, my personhood. I eventually
found a woman who thought of me as an "interested male". We have had an open relationship for 15 years. In that time my partner has had other lovers. I haven't had any other lovers. Along with my difficulty in
finding willing partners I'm a bit worried about the logistics of pursuing a sexual relationship with another woman. It does add some complications to my life (at least in the beginning). I've only had the experience of
seducing one woman. To be real honest, I have no idea how I did it that time. Even if I find someone whose interested and I actually have a potential sexual situation. I need much more than acceptance from my SO. I
need active cooperation. A standing agreement we have had is that my partner sleeps with me at night. This rule has helped me especially when she is in the throes of New Relationship Energy which is the most difficult
time for me in my Poly Life. My SO won't have such a luxury. Unlike most folks I, (most likely) won't be able to choose to go to her place (because of what I talked about earlier). Nor can I really go to an hotel. When
you get me you also get my equipment. It's not impossible for me to go to a hotel but it isn't simple. Along with my wheelchair, I have a lift to help me transfer from wheelchair to bed, a charger for the wheelchair
battery, some bathroom equipment. I also have a Service dog. He has a backpack, and a food and water bowl. Given the normal awkwardness of a first time I think I'd like to skip the parade. So I have to plan far enough
ahead that I can ask my Sweetie not to be home. This favor puts her out much more than she does me. Each of her new relationships began at her lover's place. So I could develop my relationship with them at my own
pace. Anyone I would get involved with would have to have a much closer relationship with my SO much sooner than I ever had to do. Consequently her opinion of my lovers is a bigger issue then my opinion of her lovers.
Upon entering into the Poly lifestyle I had assumed I would find lovers as would my partner. Although we have gone through rough times negotiating through the Poly issues, we've done pretty well. She is in a two year
relationship with a wonderful Lesbian who I get along with very well. The difficulties we struggle with now are what I see as a power imbalance. Since I haven't found other lovers it has felt like I get all the negative
side of polyamory without many of the benefits. True, my SO is happy but it hurts to feel like I am monogamous not by choice but by lack of opportunity. For me polyamory is about honesty, trust, love and expanding
the possibilities -- and about sex. We are attracted to what attracts us. I tend to like small women with long dark hair, dark eyes, Janeanne Garafalo or Linda Fiorentino types with a tattoo or two a plus. Smart women
who think differently than I do. The woman I have lived with for 15 years is taller and fatter than me. She has red hair and freckles. She looks nothing like Janeanne or Linda although she is the smartest and most
beautiful woman I know. I am more in love with her today than when I met her. I guess my point here is not to reject people out of a preconceived notion of what they are. People with disabilities have the same variety
of virtues and flaws that the rest of the population has. Even the small minority of disabled who cannot achieve orgasm, have the same needs and desires for closeness and intimacy we all have. I'm still looking for
those women who have enough openness to give us the opportunity to expand both of our lives. For me polyamory is a tough road filled with more rejection than I can sometimes tolerate but I think it can be worth it. Is
there room in polyamory for folks like me? Am I worth it?
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